My heart is broken...but Jesus still reigns!

My heart has been heavy all day... Somedays I wake up as 100% normal Allison and then there are those days that I just feel "off" or like my heart is hurting, today was one of those "off" days that most of my friends know I refer to as "Day 10's." We started calling them that a few months after my mom died when I was in the period where some days (about every 10 days it seemed like) I would just burst out into tears. So today started off as a Day 10.

I was excited about the day ahead so I tried to push those feelings away because I was going to church and then to Salado with the girls from small group! We went to Salado and had a great time together. I absolutely love getting to know the girls in our group better, they are such a blessing in my life already! As the day went on, I saw more, more, and more reminders of my mama. It was everything from food she used to sell, to the sparkly hats she wore after she had her chemotherapy when she lost her hair. The afternoon ended with me telling the girls my mama's story on the way home. My mom's story is a testimony of our God, so I try to tell it whenever I am given the opportunity. For some reason telling her story today just made me want to curl up in a ball and cry, so when I got home, I let it all out and did feel slightly better.

Tonight I went to an event at church for the ending of our marriage class we've been going to. It was supposed to be a romantic dinner for all the couples. Trevor is gone on training so Lauren and I were the only ones who were husband-less. So thankful for that girl, we got to go as eachother's date :) It was definately still hard not having Trevor there, which I know she'd say the same about her hubby, but very thankful for our new friendship!

As I was leaving the dinner, I got an emergency text from Chels asking me to call her. When I got that message, I knew it was an emergency and we both have an unspoken agreement that we drop what we're doing and call, so I did. She told me that Ashley Henley passed away. It took a few minutes for those words to sink in because I think I was in shock. When they finally did, I bent over in the parking lot and started wailing. We sat on the phone bawling together for 10-15 minutes... Ashley Henley was a sweet friend from high school. I was a cheerleader with her and her twin sister, Amber for 3 years and we had some great memories. Ashley had been battling cancer for a couple of years now and tonight Jesus called her home.

Tonight, as I'm typing, I feel brokenness, heartache, numb, and frustration. I have been grieving the loss of my mama on this earth for almost two years now but I can still remember the day that Jesus called her home as if it was yesterday. Remembering that day, those weeks, those months, and the last 2 years makes my heart break for her family. Tonight I felt as if I was reliving that loss, frustration, and brokenness all over again.

Since Trevor is gone on training right now, everything feels magnified in a crazy way because I am alone at home. I fully believe that God KNEW the number of Ashley's days here on this earth, just like he knew my mom's. He knew the day that her family would begin grieving would be today. I have realized that I think God was even trying to prepare me for this throughout the day. He laid heaviness on my heart this morning and slowly brought back memories for me to grieve my mama...Is that what he was doing, trying to prepare me for the news tonight? Since he knew the plans for this day long ago, he also knew that Trevor would be gone today, so even though all I wanted was a hug from my wonderful husband and to be held as I cried, God knew that he would not be here.

Trevor so desperately wants to be here when I am hurting but I think we both know that this is God's way of reminding me of who He is. Trevor provides for me in SO many ways... physically, spiritually, emotionally, financially....but he can only do those things because of our relationship and reliance on God! God is the center of our marriage and I think His timing of this "Day 10" is a good reminder of who the God of all Comfort is and that I need to continue to turn to him FIRST and then to my loving husband who He has blessed me with.

Please commit to praying for Ashley Henley's family with me. The brokenness and pain that they are feeling right now is unexplainable. Please pray for peace in their hearts and most of all that God would be made known to others through Ashley's life and story...just like He has been made known through my mom.

I want to be an advocate!

ad·vo·cate (dv-kt)

tr.v. ad·vo·cat·ed, ad·vo·cat·ing, ad·vo·cates

To speak, plead, or argue in favor of. See Synonyms at support.

n. (-kt, -kt)

1. One that argues for a cause; a supporter or defender: an advocate of civil rights.

2. One that pleads in another's behalf; an intercessor: advocates for abused children and spouses

God calls us to certain things and gives us gifts. These gifts can be anything. He gives us these gifts so that we can use them to further His kingdom and glorify His name. He gives us these gifts and equips us to be used in ways that we can bless others. So what are your gifts? What do you feel like God has called you to do in your city or this season of your life?

For me, I have been searching for a word that could define what I feel like God has gifted me in. The other day I was laying in bed talking to my husband about our purpose and mission here at Fort Hood. Even though we weren't thrilled when we found out this is where we would be for a while, we can now see a huge purpose for being here. God has called all believers to share the gospel with the lost and I cannot think of another population who could benefit from the hope of Jesus, more than the military. Within the military culture, our husbands have crazy schedules, are gone all the time, and we have to hold down the home front a lot of the time. Almost every military wife I meet is stressed, exhausted, lonely, and tired... It makes me reflect on how believing in God provides an everlasting Hope...a hope that can come from nowhere else, not even solely from our husbands. What I have also realized is that I do NOT have this whole military wife thing down... at all! I just feel that God has gifted me with the ability to organize people and help provide community, and I know that when that happens, I will learn a TON from these wives from their own experiences that I don't have yet as a wife. It's truly amazing to think about.

A different night, Trevor and I were laying in bed and talking about being on mission...either in America or another country. We went from talking about Fort Hood, adopting, and all the way to orphans in Africa! It was a long convo to say the least :) As the conversation progressed we got more and more excitable and anxious about what to do, but towards the end, we agreed that God can call us to SO many different missions throughout our married lives... As Trevor said "Babe, we have decades!" lol. Right now He has us here at Fort Hood, in 3 years, could it be overseas? Definately! God is way bigger than anything we can plan and we are excited about the rollercoaster of life ahead!

So back to the title of this blog. Advocate. I feel like God has called me to be an advocate throughout my life. According to the dictionary, an advocate is:

ad·vo·cate (dv-kt)

tr.v. ad·vo·cat·ed, ad·vo·cat·ing, ad·vo·cates

To speak, plead, or argue in favor of. See Synonyms at support.

n. (-kt, -kt)

1. One that argues for a cause; a supporter or defender: an advocate of civil rights.

2. One that pleads in another's behalf; an intercessor: advocates for abused children and spouses.

I want to be an advocate. An advocate for the kingdom of God, an advocate for marriage, an advocate for women with cancer, an advocate for military families, an advocate for children, an advocate for missions, an advocate for orphans, an advocate for adoption. In my opinion, an advocate is someone who can support others, encourage others, and speak for those who are unable! God teaches me something new everyday, I think understanding His calling to be an advocate for others gives me a more clear picture of the mission I am on here and now!

Encouraged

I have recently been very encouraged by strangers...people I have never met who are willing to send me a note on Facebook, tell me their stories, and even share encouraging words. It absolutely amazes me. Most of you know that I lost my mama to breast cancer in January of 2009. Some of you know that Trevor and I honored her and made her presence known at our wedding this month by leaving an empty chair for the "Mother of the Bride." We also had each person who came down the aisle put a yellow long stem rose on her chair during the ceremony, ending with Trevor and I doing the same. I truly felt like my mama was a part of the most important day of our lives and her life and testimony was honored. What I didn't realize is how many people were watching and were also touched by her presence being there in such a sweet and subtle way.

Right after the wedding when pics began getting posted during our honeymoon, I had a few people specifically comment on the picture of my mama's chair from our ceremony. I even had a teacher of mine from high school add the picture to their own Facebook. As I got our professional photos back, I immediately starting making albums on Facebook because I knew people were anxiously waiting to see them! Within one day, I received two messages from complete strangers about our wedding. The interesting thing was that both of these individuals were not just talking about our wedding in general, but specifically about honoring my mom and her chair there. I received these two messages from people I have never seen, never spoken to, and never even Facebook stalked (lol!)....

"Hi Allison -
I am Tim Williams cousin - I was looking at yur wedding photos from Lauren's post - all the pics are lovely but i borrowed the one of the roses for your mum and posted it on my wall. It is by far the most beautiful picture I have ever seen.
My mom passed away last year and I am getting married (2nd time) next year so she will miss it. Your picture was so very lovely!!!
I hope you don't mind
Lesle"

"Hi,

I know you don't know me but I am friends with a girl that was in your wedding (Amanda) so I was able to glance at some of your wedding photos.

I just wanted to say that I have also lost my mother at a young age and never in a million years would I have thought that on my wedding day she wouldn't physically be there. I saw the pictures of your mother's "presence" and it just touched my heart. What a sweet way to incorporate her into your wedding!

Congrats to you ....and thanks for the simple touch to my heart!
Meagan"

I was so encouraged after reading these two notes... not because there are people that loved our wedding ideas, but because this is my mama's legacy living on. She was constantly serving and encouraging people and to know that her presence at our wedding is continuing to do so, brings so much JOY to my heart. I am so thankful to Jesus. I am thankful for the time He gave my mom and I together, for the time He will give us in eternity some day, and for the people He has sent my way with such sweet encouraging words about letting a legacy live on! :)

Be still and know that I am God

"Be still..."

For anyone who knows me, being "still" is not me. I don't think it's the word that pops into anyone's head when they think of me...just saying! This part of the verse is so difficult for me, especially lately. Right now I am sitting in a completely empty and silent house. I just put brownies in the oven for Trevor, who just took Sophie to get some ice cream for our dessert and our house is completely silent. completely still.

This is a perfect example of what my life has become since marrying my soul mate and moving with him to Harker Heights. I am so used to being actively involved in a church, small group, and constantly going out to dinner, coffee, etc with friends. I also realized that over the past 5 years I have not had more than a couple weeks off between school, work, and being a caregiver for my mama. Now that I am in Harker Heights, I don't have a job and I have one friend (I joke about this, but it's kinda true :P) so things have drastically slowed down. During the day I have been looking for jobs and preparing our new home (decorating, cleaning, organizing, etc). It usually keeps me busy until around 1-2pm every day when I begin to go absolutely stir crazy, which is usually when I make my daily run to Target and use our gift card for something "home" related!

"And know that I am God."

The truth is that I have been struggling with discovering my purpose and place here (yes, I know it's only been a week!) I thought when I moved here I was going to be "The newlywed social worker who works with military families." Then God said..."WRONG!" As of now I cannot find a job as a social worker anywhere, whether working with military families or not. The part that I was right about is that part of my identity is of course as a wife and newlywed and I am so thankful for that. I have also been struggling with the feelings of inadequacy and failure since I have not been able to find a job.

What God has shown me...

I thought that I was having a hard time living out the being still part of this verse but I have realized that I have not been trusting in the One who I know is God. Of course I know the truth that He is God...but I have not been living as if I know that truth. Like I said in my last blog, who am I to think I am entitled to a job?? I have to continually tell myself that there is an absolute reason why I don't have a job and that God does have the PERFECT job lined up for me. An even harder thought to consider is that what I am doing right now is in fact exactly what He has for me right NOW. I am not just waiting for Him to give me a job but He has already given me the job He wants for me in this season, which is to "Be Still...," keep my eyes on Him, and to continue to prepare our home and serve my new husband in every way possible. Instead of waking up every morning and going straight to my computer to look for jobs and getting discouraged by 10am, I need to wake up and make my priority spending time with God before I do anything. Even more than just finding rest in this season, this is a time for me to spend time with the Lord and learn to how to love Him even more deeply as a married woman. Trevor will also be leaving for Air Force training on September 30th for a month and I'm pretty confident that the Lord is giving us this sweet time together by allowing me to stay home and be available around his work schedule for our first month of marriage!

So here's the whole verse: "Be still and know that I am God" and this is the verse that I am going to continue reciting to myself and thanking God for this still season in my life to grow closer to Him and share with my husband in our new home.

Undeserved vs Grace

I'm sitting in our new home in Harker Heights Texas wrestling with the thought of not deserving our home. Last night Trevor and I were at Papa Murphy's picking up a pizza to take home and bake, when I got very emotional.... I started to tear up out of nowhere. I tried to quickly pull myself together before he noticed, but being the amazing husband he is, he noticed and asked. I had spent the day looking for jobs and unpacking.... let's just say the unpacking went MUCH better than the job search. By the time Trevor got home from work, I was feeling very discouraged about jobs... I called the one job I had been hoping for (the VA) and was told that I may not receive a call for at least 30-45 days and the my other possibility of substitute teaching was no longer an option because they are on a hiring freeze until October. I found myself getting frustrated and realized that I feel "entitled" to receiving a good job or like I "deserve" one because of graduating with my degree. I know there are a lot of people in my same position who have been searching for jobs for a long time...I guess I just didn't think I would be one of them.

So why is it that I feel like I deserve a JOB but feel that I absolutely don't serve our HOME?!?!!? This is what I've been wrestling with....

Audrey has been telling me for the last 3 years that God just has extreme favor in my life and it's true, situations that you would never see working out, do. God has brought me through one of the greatest losses possible and I have been able to see santification and purpose come of it...so why can't I see this as His favor on my life now? Why can't I see this as a blessing?

I think one of the main reasons I feel like we don't deserve our home is because I have not had my own "home" in a long time... I have been blessed to live with 2 amazing families over the past 2 years, and I also lived with one of my best friends Amanda in an apartment for one year. Prior to my mom passing away we were living in apartments and temporary situations after we had to give up our home due to her medical bills/condition. I think now that God has given my husband and I our own home in a nice, safe neighborhood, I feel as if I don't deserve it. I loved living with both families in whispering hollow and it was some of my BEST memories and loved being a part of their families, but I still couldn't say it was MY home... now that Trevor and I have been given our home, it feels to good to be true. Another reason I feel like I don't deserve our home is because it is a 3 bedroom/2 bath home and it's only the 2 of us....we don't have any children or other people living with us. I know so many people who do have children who really could benefit way more from having this space, some of which who NEED that space, that we don't in fact need. It's almost as if I feel like us having this home means that another family who may need it, won't have it. I know that makes no sense and people are probably laughing while reading this....

I'm gonna end this blog by saying that I have realized there's a difference between not deserving something and grace/favor/blessings from the Lord. Trevor and I were talking and kept telling me that I needed to be okay with God blessing us with our home and to try to see it as that: a blessing! We talked about how if we just lived in this house as the two of us and didn't USE it for something than it would be a waste. We talked about how we both love hosting things and would like to make our home into a place where people gather at. We would like to host small groups in the future, have people over for dinner, and even have Trevor's squadrons poker nights at our house. We have some friends who would love to go play poker with friends, but because of the atmosphere, they don't feel comfortable bringing their kids. We want our home to be a family friendly place where people can come and have fun! I have to be honest....I am still struggling with the idea of not deserving our home but I am thankful that I have a husband who can speak truth to me and help me see God's blessing in our life and even His intention or purpose for that blessing!

Our Honeymoon: Falling in love with Dominican Republic!

It's official...Trevor and I are MARRIED and HOME from our honeymoon! It's definately still sinking in that we are married and that I now call Harker Heights, "home."

Trevor and I got to spend a week in Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic last week for our honeymoon. We had an AMAZING week and loved every second of it! We spent a lot of time just relaxing at our resort, Majestic Colonial. We also went on a couple excursions...one day we went snorkeling in the Caribbean Sea and another we went on a Safari. Trevor and I both agreed that the Safari was our favorite part of the entire trip, by far! We got to spend the entire day touring around the countryside of the DR experiencing their culture and getting to know their people. It was incredible! Trevor and I fell in love with the Dominican that day...

That day as we were on the Safari passing by the schools, I felt God speaking to me about serving in some capacity in the DR. I brought it up to Trevor as soon as we stopped at our next place and he agreed that he was feeling the same pull towards the people there and possibly serving in the future. All that kept going through my mind was John's voice (officiating our wedding) and challenging us to find something in our marriage to immediately start serving in...Could it really be that God was calling us to something on our honeymoon??

We continued to have conversations about our hearts for these people the rest of the week but were unsure of what it would look like because we hadn't received any information on donating to the schools, orphanages, etc.

We also really enjoyed just being around the locals there who worked at our resort. Trevor and I found it difficult to just sit back at our all-inclusive resort and be "served" by these people... we were constantly wondering and talking about what their lives were like and what their stories were. On our last night at the resort we went to a Japanese restaurant and had a habachi style meal, where everyone eats family style at one large table surrounding the grill. It was fun to see others also on their honeymoons or vacationing, but it was eye-opening to see how everyone interacted. For the most part it was all Americans at the table along with a couple who appeared to be European. The most interesting part was watching the Americans act as if they were "entitled" to the service they were getting/not getting. I watched as people demanded things rudely from the waiters and even laughed at some of them when they attempted to communicate with their broken english. I was immediately disgusted. I realized then that the American culture breeds selfish and entitled people who hold themselves as higher then people of different cultures. Enough on that tangent... that night just further revealed the culture of the DR and Trevor and I fell more and more in love with it :)

We had a blast the rest of our trip and spent a ton of time just relaxing together and enjoying each other as a married couple! It was perfect! As we headed home on Sunday, we were excited to be going home and start our new life, but also sad to leave such a beautiful country... we were in line at the airport for security and a man in front of us began talking to us. It started off as small talk "Where are you from? Why are you traveling" etc, and he ended up telling us that he was in the DR for work. When we asked what he did, he told us that he runs an organization that serves the Dominican children through a school and orphanage that he built. All I could think was... "What? Are you serious? God...did you just tell him to say this??" To say the least we were shocked. We had been thinking/praying all week about how we could serve the people of this country because we felt like God was calling us to do something, but we hadn't heard clearly what that was supposed to look like. All of a sudden it was very clear that He had put this man in our path to tie the loose ends of what He was calling us to.

We are now home from our honeymoon and are going to continue praying for the Dominican people and for God to give us a clear calling on how we should serve them in our marriage in the future.

Thank you God for an amazing wedding, honeymoon, and beginning of our marriage :)

Blessed to be a blessing

Audrey completely inspired the title of this blog post "Blessed to be a blessing," and it's something that has been on my heart a lot recently. I feel like God has blessed me with an abundance of resources to bless others...whether that is through my time in this season of my life, through encouraging words, or even just through friendships.

Trevor and I were talking about this the other day after a sermon about stewardship. Not only did we talk about giving to the church corporately, but also setting aside resources each month so that we can bless people. It was a really encouraging conversation to have as a soon-to-be married couple! I love the way that God has begun to shape our minds in order to focus on being servants in our marriage to one another as well as others.

Tonight when I was spending some time with God, our conversation about being able to bless others came to my mind... I feel like this season in my life could very easily be a selfish, "all about me and my wedding" phase, but instead, I would like to make a commitment to making it about others...others besides Trevor and I.

I have had SO many people serve me and love on me unconditionally over the past 2 years and I have struggled with the thought of whether I could ever reciprocate that level of servanthood to those individuals. I have wrestled with this for the past year with constantly feeling like I "owe" some of my closest friends and family something. I have come to the answer... I DON'T owe my friends anything... they are amazing believers that wanted to serve me and my family during a season of my life and were a huge BLESSING to me. Most of them would probably be offended to hear that I would possibly feel like I "owed" them something, but that is the human response... when someone gives you something, you give it back....when someone does you a favor, you also do them one....this is just how our society works. In the kingdom of God, I believe it works differently. When I choose by my own will to serve/bless someone, I expect nothing in return and I just have to accept that it's the same way when someone chooses to bless me or my family.

This is what I have realized...I have been living in guilt that I could never return the blessings that my friends have shown me over the past 2 years and instead I need to be thankful for those people and know that God will create an opportunity for me to bless them and others during different seasons of their lives as well. I have a dear friend (like a sister) who has told me that one of the biggest blessings in her life was that she was able to provide stability to me in my time of need. When she was a child, she didn't have that stability and security and could never imagine being the source of that to someone else. Over the years, she was blessed by tons of people within her church community and shared with me that she was finally able to bless me in the same way that all of those other people blessed her. We have now become family through that blessing that God orchestrated. Thinking about her story makes me realize that I have been SO blessed by different friends/family and that God will provide opportunities for me to be that blessing to others throughout my life on His timing as well.

God has also shown me that even though I have not been able to serve people in the same way that people served me, He has created ways for me to bless people in my life recently. While I think of blessings such as people allowing me to live in their home (Church's, Hightower's) as BIG blessings and sources of serving, God is starting to reveal to me how I have been able to bless others through relationships and encouragement. I feel like God has given me the gift of listening and encouraging people in their time of discouragement and even though sometimes it's hard to see that as a BIG blessing, I know it is because it is a gift that He gave me to use.

Food for Thought... How can you being a blessing to others in your life right now? Whether it's through relationships or the resources that He has provided you with?

Transitions

I have wanted to cry all day long...one day after I graduated with my Masters degree and three weeks until my wedding (the most important day of my life!) You would think this would be the absolute happiest time of any girls life...which it IS, but why have I wanted to cry all day??

Transitions.

Transitions have been so difficult since my mom died. Transitions of moving, graduating, and even now with getting married. I was sitting in line at graduation last night waiting to walk across the stage for the last time EVER and all I could do was think about my mama. I all of a sudden realized that completing my masters degree was the first thing I have done from start to finish since losing my mom. It almost took my breath away thinking about how my mom was not here for ANY of this season of my life, getting my masters. I had to fight back the tears as I walked the stage, and instead I proudly smiled and shook the president of the university's hand and smiled as I waved at my family/friends who were there to support me.

My mom was my rock. Obviously most of you know that GOD is truly my rock, but my mama was the person here on earth who kept me sane and provided me stability. She was the person I went to for everything. All night last night, I continued to snap at Trevor for little things, even though he was being completely wonderful and supportive. I was upset deep down and he was the person I could be the most real with, therefore he was getting the brunt of what I was really feeling inside...HURT (because I felt as if my "rock" had been taken away.) I am SO blessed to have so many friends that care about me deeply who all came last night and I am so very grateful for them! Then God revealed something to me last night when I was laying in bed that I am so thankful for....He showed me that even though my mama wasn't there to be my rock...my rock was still there: First in God and secondly in Trevor. God has brought Trevor into my life to show me how to love someone unconditionally, to serve someone, and provide stability in my life: My ROCK here on earth. This probably sounds strange to some, but I think it probably makes sense to those who have lost those who provided grounding and stability in their lives.

As our wedding quickly approaches, I get more and more EXCITED about the idea of marrying the love of my life and us starting a family together. At the same time, I am constantly reminded that the "mother of the bride" will not be attending our wedding and it is something I have not been able to face yet. People are constantly making comments (which are normal for bride-to-be's) like: "Oh you should borrow something from your mom for your wedding!" "Is the mother of the bride getting excited about the wedding??" or even "I bet your mom's going to cry when she see's you!" These very normal comments just about send me crying myself to sleep at night, but I continue to fight them back. I have not been able to freely grieve the absence of my mom at our wedding yet, and I pray I am able to soon.

I'm gonna end this blog with these lyrics by Carrie Underwood that make me think of my mom and Trevor. If my mama was here, this is what I would be telling her about the love of my life!

"A Song for Mama"

Mama, you taught me to do the right things
So now you have to let your baby fly
You've given me everything that I will need
To make it through this crazy thing called life

And I know you watched me grow up
And only want what's best for me
And I think I found the answer to your prayers

And he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me

Mama there's no way you'll ever lose me
Giving me away is not goodbye
As you watch me walk down to my future
I hope tears of joy are in your eyes

'Cause he is good, so good
And he treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me

And when I watch my baby grow up
I'll only want what's best for her
And I hope she'll find the answer to my prayers
And that she'll say

He is good, so good
And he treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me

Mama don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me

Please pray with me during this time of transition that I can grieve where I need to grieve so I can celebrate and rejoice in all the blessings that God has put in my life! I can't wait to walk down the aisle and give my vows to Trevor in 20 days!!

Time doesn't heal, but God provides!

This morning I woke up thankful. I always anticipate how I will feel days and weeks before big holidays and I usually anticipate the worse...which technically makes me grieve my mom before the holiday or anniversary actually takes place. It's amazing how everyone processes and grieves differently.

Like I said, this morning I woke up thankful. I woke up to a text message from my wonderful fiance honoring my mom and wishing he could be here for this day instead of at Air Force training. I also turned over and looked at printed pictures of wedding dress shopping last weekend and all of the people who were there to support me! Again... it made me thankful.

People say that time heals everything. I don't really believe this. In my life, it hasn't been time healing my pain, it has been God providing. God has provided people in my life who have become family. These people will never replace my wonderful mother (nor do they want to) instead, they help me honor and remember her and provide the support that she did in my life!

John and Audrey Church have become my family. When I think of home, even though I was raised in several places from New England to Texas...I think of Buda/Kyle. When I drive to their house, it feels like I am driving away from the city, and home to family! I cannot explain what God has provided to me through their family. John has become like a big brother who I greatly respect. He always provides good wisdom when I don't know what to do in a situation and can definatly always make me laugh! Audrey has become the sister I never had. Sometimes we joke about whether she has become more like a sister or a mom, because she def gets sentimental like a mother would in my life. I used to call my mom several times a day...she was the person I would call when anything happened...good or bad! When my mom died, I kept finding myself dialing her number to tell her something even months after, only to realize I didn't have that in my life anymore. Audrey has become that person. She is the person I call when I want to jump up and down and celebrate or cry. God knew that I was going to need her and He provided. I can't imagine my life without the Church family in it!

I remember having a conversation with my best friend Chelsea a few months after my mom died. We talked about how I had a huge fear of dating and even finding the one that God intended for me to marry because I knew that they w

ould never have the opportunity to know my mom. This crushed me. I remember praying that God would take that fear out of my heart and I began praying for specific qualities in my future husband AND in his family. This was new to me, I had never thought to pray for his family. I knew that no one would ever replace my mom, but God also knew that I needed to not only marry an amazing, godly man, but also be placed in a godly family. So I started praying. I prayed for specific qualities for my future mother-in-law. I won't go into the specific things I begged God for, but I will say that He provided them. He orchestrated me meeting my wonderful fiance who has become everything I could ever ask for in a man and he also provided a family. Scott and Kim Finnell (Trevor's parents) have become two of the most amazing people I know and I feel beyond blessed to be marrying their son. Kim and I have gotten very close over the last few months and I have come to learn that God truly did answer my prayer to the fullest...she has every quality that I prayed for in a future mother-in-law. It's such a blessing to feel so welcomed into a family that I haven't technically joined yet (through marriage) and I already feel like a daughter to both of them! I am so thankful that God took the fear of dating our of my heart and provided me with this new family!

Time doesn't heal but God DOES provide! Thank you, Jesus!

"Greater things are still to be done in this NATION!"

A few weeks ago I was sitting at church during worship when the song "God of this city" came on. I was struck by the lyrics and felt like God was speaking to me but replacing our city with our nation. It was put on my heart to sing...

"Greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this NATION...."

Trevor and I have had several conversations about what our place and calling will be with sharing the gospel with our life in the military. We constantly ask "How will God use our marriage for His glory??"

At that moment, while we both stood and worshipped God together, I felt His presence in a powerful way telling me that He is going to use us to share Jesus with military families that we are surrounded by. I know that God is going to orchestrate every move we make within the military to a specific base for a specific reason. As of now, this is something we are praying through, but I can't shake the idea that God is going to do big things to reveal himself to our nation as a whole!

This morning Amanda and I were driving and kept seeing flags hanging at half-staff...we couldn't figure out why. When we came home, we made chocolate chip pancakes and turned on the news. President Obama was speaking in honor or Dorothy Heights, a leader of the civil rights movement. He started reading out of the gospel of Matthew about the blessing of humbleness.

I feel like God has been working on my heart for our nation over the last month, and I don't know exactly what He is trying to reveal, but I do know one thing... that is that He has a big plan for His name to be known across our nation and within the military culture. The love of Jesus will change lives in military and provide hope to these families who are so sacrificial with their lives and allow them to see an even greater purpose for their sacrifice than just for our country.

There are so many people who sacrifice on a daily basis for everyone in our nation. What greater gift could we give them other than sharing with their family the hope of Jesus?

"Greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this NATION!"

Remembering

Last night I was sitting in my DSM class and we were talking about dementia and delirium disorders. We started talking about Alzheimers patients and watched a tear jerking video about one woman's story. It was fascinating to see that even though some people lost most of their memory and communicative abilities, they could still communicate so well with others non-verbally. We watched a woman start singing "Jesus Loves Me" to her and she began tapping her arm to the beat of the woman singing. She would then start tapping harder and faster and the woman would match the tone and volume of her voice to her tapping. It was absolutely incredible. Towards the end of the video the patient actually opened her eyes and started singing with her!! This caregiver knew that singing about Jesus would light up her eyes, so she did and they had such a special moment together!

I was crying (hard!) by this time in class and it made me think of my mama when she was at the stage where she could no longer communicate. She never had Alzheimers, but she did have several of those same communicative difficulties towards her last days. It made me think about one of the last days before she went in Hospice. She was about to go to bed and I was laying next to her praying over her before bed. She hadn't spoken in a couple of days but I knew she still was completely aware of what I was saying. I remember when I finished praying, she kept mumbling something that I couldn't make out at first. A tear came down her face and she kept mumbling it. As I continued to sit and listen, I made out what she was saying. "Jesus" "Jesus" "Jesus" She had been repeating "Jesus" over and over. It was as if since she couldn't necessarily pray out loud anymore, she was still talking her her savior, Jesus. That was a huge testimony to my own life! What will be some of the last words I say? Will they be about the Lord and King of my life?

As much as crying in the middle of class is never fun, I appreciate the moments in my life that help me remember some of those sweet times my mom and I shared that I will never forget!

Tension of time

This week has been CRAZY! I feel like every aspect of my life has felt like it's on steroids... grad school, grant writing for SELAH, medical appts, wedding planning, etc! There has been some amazing praises that have happened but I am also just physically exhausted!

I am also starting to feel the tension of time again in my life. I think the reality that I am not going to be living in Austin in September after Trevor and I get married is starting to set in. It's making me realize that I want to spend as much time as possible with all my church family and people I love here before I move in 5 months! It has also been slightly overwhelming to realize because I don't feel like there is much I can do about it right now because there are not enough hours in the day! I am trying to balance school in San Marcos, family in Buda, my church community in Austin, and start spending a couple days a month in my future city (Killeen) with my fiance. Ahhhhhh :/

During the week I spend almost everyday either on campus or writing papers and that only leaves two days on the weekends to spend with everyone. Several of my friends work on the weekends and these are also the only days I am able to see Trevor on a weekly basis. I'm trying to balance spending time on the wknds with people because even though I absolutely LOVE spending time with my fiance, I also realize that in 5 short months I will have the rest of my life with him & may not have as much time with these friends on a regular basis!

I'm actually really excited about this weekend because I tried to make it a point to spend more time with people! On Friday I'm spending the morning with Audrey which I am thrilled about because we have both been in and out of town almost the entire month and Friday evening I'll be with Trevor just spending time in Killeen. On Saturday I'm super excited to have breakfast with three of my favorite girls which is so long over due! I actually think the last time the four of us had a meal together was after Chelsea got back from her honeymoon! That's NUTS! I think we also have plans with Trevor's family sometime this weekend, and an Easter Sunday BBQ after church and then dinner with the Church's! It's gonna be a great weekend and I can't wait to spend time with all the people I love!

I guess I am balancing things better than I think, I have just had a heavy heart about making time for everyone lately and just wish there were more hours in the week!

Love you guys, thanks for reading!

A military WIFE to a military FIANCE!

What a blessing! The day after I found out about the VA internship, I started wondering where I would live this summer while I do my internship. Since I don't know if there will be a stipend involved, I needed to find a cheap room for rent with someone I knew! I was looking for somewhere already furnished so I could move all my stuff to Trevor's once my lease ended and just bring clothes and daily things with me. I was also hoping that it would be in south austin so I could be close to the VA, wouldn't have to fight crazy traffic, and could still be close to my friends/family!

I originally had anxiety about posting it up on FB to look for someone, but prayed about it and all of a sudden yesterday I started feeling a lot of peace about it. So I did. I posted on my status that I was looking for a room to rent during my internship in Austin from June-August before we got married.

Within FOUR minutes one of my friends who I used to work with, Ashlee, commented on my status. She immediately said I could live with her if I wanted and that she has an extra furnished room for a very reasonable price! I couldn't believe it... Ashlee's husband, Ben, is also in the military! He is currently working in NC and they just bought a house in Austin for Ashlee and their new baby (Brycen) to live in until he comes home! This felt perfect...it was obviously part of God's plan!

Not only did a good friend of mine offer me a place to live but it is also only 10 minutes from the VA where I will work everyday, I can help her with their new addition to their family, have GREAT girl time, and she can show me the ropes of military LIFE and help prepare me for Trevor and I's life together!

I am feeling so blessed and BEYOND thrilled! Thank you ASHLEE & BEN!

OEF/OIF Case management position

Well most of you know that I have been coming up on a full-time internship this summer! I have been applying and interviewing with possible placements around the Austin area. The main thing I am interested in for my placement is a medical setting working with a military population. My first choice was to work on a military base or at the VA. The problem with Austin is that we are right smack in the middle of San Antonio and Killeen which are both big military cities! Austin is not... so I started exploring the VA. The Central Texas Veterans Health Care System (CTVHCS) has over a dozen VA hospitals and outpatient clinics around central Texas with only one actually in the city limits of Austin!

When I started pursuing the VA internship in Austin the field director told me that it was almost impossible to get an internship here in the city. He said that most people are sent to Temple to the main hospital... I decided to continue to pursue it and just ask that God would provide an opening for the Summer. I interviewed at Seton on 38th downtown and was accepted, but the VA was still my first choice. I waited about 3 weeks to get an interview scheduled with them and got increasingly anxious as I waited! I started wondering if this was really a possibility!

I had my interview with the VA in the OEF/OIF case management dept last Friday and fell in love with it! My supervisor who I interviewed with was wonderful and I really enjoyed what it sounded like I would be doing! The position is working with returning troops from Iraq and Afghanistan who have served in a combat zone in the last 10 years. The department provides case management, primary and behavioral health, as well as supportive counseling for any troops that need it.

I had a major melt down on Monday afternoon because I was completely overwhelmed with school, grant writing, missing my mom, not knowing about the internship or my living situation for the Summer. I felt so defeated in that moment...so I did the only thing I know to do, I prayed. I surrendered everything to Him as I cried... hard. A few minutes later I was sending Trevor a text message and an email popped up on my phone from the supervisor at the VA. She asked me to call her because she lost my number. I quickly wiped my eyes and stopped crying to call her back! She offered me the internship and the first thing I thought was "Thank you God...You just needed me to remember who my rock is and rely on You!" This is exactly what I needed from God. I needed Him to bring me back down to the place of desperation to see that He has it all in control and just wants me to go to Him first!

I am utterly thrilled about my internship and SO very thankful for this opportunity! It's just another way of God orchestrating each individual day of my life and my future!

September 4, 2010

I can't believe that Trevor and I are engaged!!! I am SO beyond excited and seriously feel like the most blessed girl in the world! Not only is God allowing me to marry the man I fell in love with, but He is also providing me a new family...a family who loves Him deeply!

Trevor and I spent the last 10 days in California with his family and it was the perfect trip (even before he proposed!) I felt like I already knew his parents just from talking on the phone and skype the last few months, but it was wonderful to be able to build that relationship in person and I absolutely fell in love with them. I can honestly say they feel like family!

Towards the end of the trip, the two of us and both of our families met in San Diego for dinner to meet for the first time! The dinner went great! After dinner, I told him we should go for a walk on the beach (not realizing that this was already Trevor's plan and part of the proposal!!) We casually walked along Pacific beach in our comfy clothes all bundled up and sat down in the sand looking at the beautiful ocean. Trevor began to tell me that he had lied to me earlier that day about what he was doing (because he was getting the ring sized) and looked me in the eyes and smiled. We both shared the moment of feeling so loved sitting on the sand, listening to the waves crash. Before I knew it, Trevor had something in his hand and said "You should probably stop looking at me now and look at my right hand!" I began freaking out saying "Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!" and finally looked...

"Will you marry me?"-Trevor asked

I'm sure you can guess...I said YES!!

Trevor gave me a beautiful ring that had one of the last diamonds from his grandfather's jewelry store before he passed away. It's for sure my favorite part of the ring and what makes it so special! I feel so honored to be wearing a family ring!

As of this morning we have a date and a venue set!! We will be getting married on September 4, 2010 at Texas Old Town in Kyle, Texas!

A reflection of the last 18 months

I'm sitting up in the mountains in Idylwild California w/Trevor and his family! What a beautiful place to have a home! Sitting in the mountains makes me think of this blog specifically...Shalom. It seems like a place that brings peace and completeness to this family! It makes me smile :D

Somedays I wake up and just think about how much change God has brought in my life in the last 18 months and I sit amazed in His presence. I used to think of the change as just utter chaos and it overwhelmed to think about it...Now I see it as God's perfect plan for my life. Trevor and I are reading one of Francis Chan's books called "Crazy Love" and one of the chapters talks about just sitting in God's presence and how as believers we need to be comfortable doing that and even long for that time with Him. We both realized that we also find ourselves having a hard time doing this...Instead we go to Him and thank Him and ask for things, but rarely ever just sit and dwell in His presence. Sometimes I feel like God forces me to do this, since I don't always do it on my own and when this happens, I am so thankful for the time to reflect on this change I am talking about.

In a summary, this is what God has done over these months...

In October of 2008, my mom's health began to decline and she was diagnosed with a blood clot and lymphoma. She was in and out of Seton hospital in Austin for the entire month of October...I felt like we lived there for that month.

Also in October in 2008, I got a Facebook message (I know, FB of all ways) from my dad's side of my family. I hadn't had any contact from this side of the family in over 20 years and I was in shock. My mom's health was declining and I discovered a side of the family I never knew. All I could think about was "What are you trying to teach me God? I know there is a reason for this all at once, please reveal it to me." I later found out, that He was doing this for two reasons...He was surrounding me with more family at a time when I needed it the most. He was also giving my dad's side of the family an opportunity to learn about the most important aspect of my mom and I's life since we left New England...that was our faith in Him. This is where our identity came from individually and as a family and this was our opportunity to share Him through our lives.

Thanksgiving and Christmas were very different that year. My mom always wanted to teach me how to cook and I always made excuses why I didn't want to, up until this year. She told me every year that she wanted to teach me how to prepare a Thanksgiving meal for my own family one day....well this year I learned. My mom sat in her chair and talked me through how to make an entire Thanksgiving dinner for the two of us. It was our year that she had been waiting for and now I know that God knew that this would be our last Thanksgiving together...Praise Him for giving us that time. Christmas was also very different...But such a blessing to have together as a family!

The month of January flew by faster than any other month of my life. My mom's health continued to decline and before I knew it, Hospice had come into our home full time. I remember sitting at home with her for days at a time. My best friend Chelsea and I spent two straight weeks sleeping on the floor next to my mom's hospital bed, taking turns getting up to give her meds every two hours. It felt like the longest two weeks, but at the same time, the shortest. I wanted to slow down time to spend as much time as I could with my mom, because I knew the Lord was going to call her home soon. On January 27, 2009 I woke up knowing that I that day was going to be the day. I remember sitting on my mama's bed with her and just spending time with her that day and writing letters to close friends. "I love you" and "Jesus" were two of the last things out of her mouth, before she went to be with the Lord.

The next few months were honestly a blur. I moved in with John & Audrey and the kids and absolutely loved living with them! It was some of the best months of my life, even during such a transitional period! I did an internship all summer, graduated in August and started grad school just 10 days after graduation! I've now been in grad school for almost a year and I'll be graduating with my Master's degree in clinical social work in August.

My boyfriend, Trevor and I started dating in the fall and he has been such a blessing in my life. It's one of the changes that's happened this year that I am SO thankful for! I can honestly say that these months that we've been dating have been some of the most joyful months I've had in over a year. I feel God's presence in our relationship daily and I am so excited to see what He has in our future! Trevor has quickly become part of my family in Buda and in Austin and I'm so excited to be spending time with his family this week and making memories with them!

That has been my life over the last 18 months... full of blessings, christ-centered suffering, JOY, and big transitions! I've lost family, gained family I never knew, was adopted into a family, and I'm hoping to keep building relationships with more family! Thanks for reading this lengthy blog and learning about what God has done in my life recently!

Why start blogging?

I have been wanting to journal for over a year now, and keep making excuses why I don't have time...I also find myself wanting to post things to share with friends and family, and I'm constantly running out of room with Twitter's 140 character limit and long Facebook status updates.

I decided to name my blog "A Daugher's Shalom" because my family role in life over the past year has been constantly on my heart. I lost my mom to breast cancer in January of 2009, and before that, I always identified as being a "daughter" in our family. Last semester I started grad school for social work and had to take a family therapy class, which quickly became the hardest class I've ever taken. I was forced to examine my own family and what my role has been & what it is now. This is where it got hard. I realized that I didn't know who I identified as my family anymore. I was confused, frustrated, and lost. Then I started making that a daily prayer and really examining what family meant to me.

After a lot of prayer and wrestling with God, I realized that I am completely surrounded by family. I have biological family, adopted family, spiritual family, and most of all I am a daughter of the KING. God calls us his children and means it. I chose the word Shalom because it is a hebrew word for "peace" or "completeness" and I have been seeking Shalom all year!

As a daughter of our King, and still my mother's daughter...This is my life! I have learned that family are the people who love you, be joyful with you, suffer with you, embrace life with you, and celebrate with you. I am blessed to have family all over the country and can continue to call this home :D

Thanks for reading!