Undeserved vs Grace

I'm sitting in our new home in Harker Heights Texas wrestling with the thought of not deserving our home. Last night Trevor and I were at Papa Murphy's picking up a pizza to take home and bake, when I got very emotional.... I started to tear up out of nowhere. I tried to quickly pull myself together before he noticed, but being the amazing husband he is, he noticed and asked. I had spent the day looking for jobs and unpacking.... let's just say the unpacking went MUCH better than the job search. By the time Trevor got home from work, I was feeling very discouraged about jobs... I called the one job I had been hoping for (the VA) and was told that I may not receive a call for at least 30-45 days and the my other possibility of substitute teaching was no longer an option because they are on a hiring freeze until October. I found myself getting frustrated and realized that I feel "entitled" to receiving a good job or like I "deserve" one because of graduating with my degree. I know there are a lot of people in my same position who have been searching for jobs for a long time...I guess I just didn't think I would be one of them.

So why is it that I feel like I deserve a JOB but feel that I absolutely don't serve our HOME?!?!!? This is what I've been wrestling with....

Audrey has been telling me for the last 3 years that God just has extreme favor in my life and it's true, situations that you would never see working out, do. God has brought me through one of the greatest losses possible and I have been able to see santification and purpose come of it...so why can't I see this as His favor on my life now? Why can't I see this as a blessing?

I think one of the main reasons I feel like we don't deserve our home is because I have not had my own "home" in a long time... I have been blessed to live with 2 amazing families over the past 2 years, and I also lived with one of my best friends Amanda in an apartment for one year. Prior to my mom passing away we were living in apartments and temporary situations after we had to give up our home due to her medical bills/condition. I think now that God has given my husband and I our own home in a nice, safe neighborhood, I feel as if I don't deserve it. I loved living with both families in whispering hollow and it was some of my BEST memories and loved being a part of their families, but I still couldn't say it was MY home... now that Trevor and I have been given our home, it feels to good to be true. Another reason I feel like I don't deserve our home is because it is a 3 bedroom/2 bath home and it's only the 2 of us....we don't have any children or other people living with us. I know so many people who do have children who really could benefit way more from having this space, some of which who NEED that space, that we don't in fact need. It's almost as if I feel like us having this home means that another family who may need it, won't have it. I know that makes no sense and people are probably laughing while reading this....

I'm gonna end this blog by saying that I have realized there's a difference between not deserving something and grace/favor/blessings from the Lord. Trevor and I were talking and kept telling me that I needed to be okay with God blessing us with our home and to try to see it as that: a blessing! We talked about how if we just lived in this house as the two of us and didn't USE it for something than it would be a waste. We talked about how we both love hosting things and would like to make our home into a place where people gather at. We would like to host small groups in the future, have people over for dinner, and even have Trevor's squadrons poker nights at our house. We have some friends who would love to go play poker with friends, but because of the atmosphere, they don't feel comfortable bringing their kids. We want our home to be a family friendly place where people can come and have fun! I have to be honest....I am still struggling with the idea of not deserving our home but I am thankful that I have a husband who can speak truth to me and help me see God's blessing in our life and even His intention or purpose for that blessing!