Be still and know that I am God

"Be still..."

For anyone who knows me, being "still" is not me. I don't think it's the word that pops into anyone's head when they think of me...just saying! This part of the verse is so difficult for me, especially lately. Right now I am sitting in a completely empty and silent house. I just put brownies in the oven for Trevor, who just took Sophie to get some ice cream for our dessert and our house is completely silent. completely still.

This is a perfect example of what my life has become since marrying my soul mate and moving with him to Harker Heights. I am so used to being actively involved in a church, small group, and constantly going out to dinner, coffee, etc with friends. I also realized that over the past 5 years I have not had more than a couple weeks off between school, work, and being a caregiver for my mama. Now that I am in Harker Heights, I don't have a job and I have one friend (I joke about this, but it's kinda true :P) so things have drastically slowed down. During the day I have been looking for jobs and preparing our new home (decorating, cleaning, organizing, etc). It usually keeps me busy until around 1-2pm every day when I begin to go absolutely stir crazy, which is usually when I make my daily run to Target and use our gift card for something "home" related!

"And know that I am God."

The truth is that I have been struggling with discovering my purpose and place here (yes, I know it's only been a week!) I thought when I moved here I was going to be "The newlywed social worker who works with military families." Then God said..."WRONG!" As of now I cannot find a job as a social worker anywhere, whether working with military families or not. The part that I was right about is that part of my identity is of course as a wife and newlywed and I am so thankful for that. I have also been struggling with the feelings of inadequacy and failure since I have not been able to find a job.

What God has shown me...

I thought that I was having a hard time living out the being still part of this verse but I have realized that I have not been trusting in the One who I know is God. Of course I know the truth that He is God...but I have not been living as if I know that truth. Like I said in my last blog, who am I to think I am entitled to a job?? I have to continually tell myself that there is an absolute reason why I don't have a job and that God does have the PERFECT job lined up for me. An even harder thought to consider is that what I am doing right now is in fact exactly what He has for me right NOW. I am not just waiting for Him to give me a job but He has already given me the job He wants for me in this season, which is to "Be Still...," keep my eyes on Him, and to continue to prepare our home and serve my new husband in every way possible. Instead of waking up every morning and going straight to my computer to look for jobs and getting discouraged by 10am, I need to wake up and make my priority spending time with God before I do anything. Even more than just finding rest in this season, this is a time for me to spend time with the Lord and learn to how to love Him even more deeply as a married woman. Trevor will also be leaving for Air Force training on September 30th for a month and I'm pretty confident that the Lord is giving us this sweet time together by allowing me to stay home and be available around his work schedule for our first month of marriage!

So here's the whole verse: "Be still and know that I am God" and this is the verse that I am going to continue reciting to myself and thanking God for this still season in my life to grow closer to Him and share with my husband in our new home.

Undeserved vs Grace

I'm sitting in our new home in Harker Heights Texas wrestling with the thought of not deserving our home. Last night Trevor and I were at Papa Murphy's picking up a pizza to take home and bake, when I got very emotional.... I started to tear up out of nowhere. I tried to quickly pull myself together before he noticed, but being the amazing husband he is, he noticed and asked. I had spent the day looking for jobs and unpacking.... let's just say the unpacking went MUCH better than the job search. By the time Trevor got home from work, I was feeling very discouraged about jobs... I called the one job I had been hoping for (the VA) and was told that I may not receive a call for at least 30-45 days and the my other possibility of substitute teaching was no longer an option because they are on a hiring freeze until October. I found myself getting frustrated and realized that I feel "entitled" to receiving a good job or like I "deserve" one because of graduating with my degree. I know there are a lot of people in my same position who have been searching for jobs for a long time...I guess I just didn't think I would be one of them.

So why is it that I feel like I deserve a JOB but feel that I absolutely don't serve our HOME?!?!!? This is what I've been wrestling with....

Audrey has been telling me for the last 3 years that God just has extreme favor in my life and it's true, situations that you would never see working out, do. God has brought me through one of the greatest losses possible and I have been able to see santification and purpose come of it...so why can't I see this as His favor on my life now? Why can't I see this as a blessing?

I think one of the main reasons I feel like we don't deserve our home is because I have not had my own "home" in a long time... I have been blessed to live with 2 amazing families over the past 2 years, and I also lived with one of my best friends Amanda in an apartment for one year. Prior to my mom passing away we were living in apartments and temporary situations after we had to give up our home due to her medical bills/condition. I think now that God has given my husband and I our own home in a nice, safe neighborhood, I feel as if I don't deserve it. I loved living with both families in whispering hollow and it was some of my BEST memories and loved being a part of their families, but I still couldn't say it was MY home... now that Trevor and I have been given our home, it feels to good to be true. Another reason I feel like I don't deserve our home is because it is a 3 bedroom/2 bath home and it's only the 2 of us....we don't have any children or other people living with us. I know so many people who do have children who really could benefit way more from having this space, some of which who NEED that space, that we don't in fact need. It's almost as if I feel like us having this home means that another family who may need it, won't have it. I know that makes no sense and people are probably laughing while reading this....

I'm gonna end this blog by saying that I have realized there's a difference between not deserving something and grace/favor/blessings from the Lord. Trevor and I were talking and kept telling me that I needed to be okay with God blessing us with our home and to try to see it as that: a blessing! We talked about how if we just lived in this house as the two of us and didn't USE it for something than it would be a waste. We talked about how we both love hosting things and would like to make our home into a place where people gather at. We would like to host small groups in the future, have people over for dinner, and even have Trevor's squadrons poker nights at our house. We have some friends who would love to go play poker with friends, but because of the atmosphere, they don't feel comfortable bringing their kids. We want our home to be a family friendly place where people can come and have fun! I have to be honest....I am still struggling with the idea of not deserving our home but I am thankful that I have a husband who can speak truth to me and help me see God's blessing in our life and even His intention or purpose for that blessing!

Our Honeymoon: Falling in love with Dominican Republic!

It's official...Trevor and I are MARRIED and HOME from our honeymoon! It's definately still sinking in that we are married and that I now call Harker Heights, "home."

Trevor and I got to spend a week in Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic last week for our honeymoon. We had an AMAZING week and loved every second of it! We spent a lot of time just relaxing at our resort, Majestic Colonial. We also went on a couple excursions...one day we went snorkeling in the Caribbean Sea and another we went on a Safari. Trevor and I both agreed that the Safari was our favorite part of the entire trip, by far! We got to spend the entire day touring around the countryside of the DR experiencing their culture and getting to know their people. It was incredible! Trevor and I fell in love with the Dominican that day...

That day as we were on the Safari passing by the schools, I felt God speaking to me about serving in some capacity in the DR. I brought it up to Trevor as soon as we stopped at our next place and he agreed that he was feeling the same pull towards the people there and possibly serving in the future. All that kept going through my mind was John's voice (officiating our wedding) and challenging us to find something in our marriage to immediately start serving in...Could it really be that God was calling us to something on our honeymoon??

We continued to have conversations about our hearts for these people the rest of the week but were unsure of what it would look like because we hadn't received any information on donating to the schools, orphanages, etc.

We also really enjoyed just being around the locals there who worked at our resort. Trevor and I found it difficult to just sit back at our all-inclusive resort and be "served" by these people... we were constantly wondering and talking about what their lives were like and what their stories were. On our last night at the resort we went to a Japanese restaurant and had a habachi style meal, where everyone eats family style at one large table surrounding the grill. It was fun to see others also on their honeymoons or vacationing, but it was eye-opening to see how everyone interacted. For the most part it was all Americans at the table along with a couple who appeared to be European. The most interesting part was watching the Americans act as if they were "entitled" to the service they were getting/not getting. I watched as people demanded things rudely from the waiters and even laughed at some of them when they attempted to communicate with their broken english. I was immediately disgusted. I realized then that the American culture breeds selfish and entitled people who hold themselves as higher then people of different cultures. Enough on that tangent... that night just further revealed the culture of the DR and Trevor and I fell more and more in love with it :)

We had a blast the rest of our trip and spent a ton of time just relaxing together and enjoying each other as a married couple! It was perfect! As we headed home on Sunday, we were excited to be going home and start our new life, but also sad to leave such a beautiful country... we were in line at the airport for security and a man in front of us began talking to us. It started off as small talk "Where are you from? Why are you traveling" etc, and he ended up telling us that he was in the DR for work. When we asked what he did, he told us that he runs an organization that serves the Dominican children through a school and orphanage that he built. All I could think was... "What? Are you serious? God...did you just tell him to say this??" To say the least we were shocked. We had been thinking/praying all week about how we could serve the people of this country because we felt like God was calling us to do something, but we hadn't heard clearly what that was supposed to look like. All of a sudden it was very clear that He had put this man in our path to tie the loose ends of what He was calling us to.

We are now home from our honeymoon and are going to continue praying for the Dominican people and for God to give us a clear calling on how we should serve them in our marriage in the future.

Thank you God for an amazing wedding, honeymoon, and beginning of our marriage :)