My heart is broken...but Jesus still reigns!

My heart has been heavy all day... Somedays I wake up as 100% normal Allison and then there are those days that I just feel "off" or like my heart is hurting, today was one of those "off" days that most of my friends know I refer to as "Day 10's." We started calling them that a few months after my mom died when I was in the period where some days (about every 10 days it seemed like) I would just burst out into tears. So today started off as a Day 10.

I was excited about the day ahead so I tried to push those feelings away because I was going to church and then to Salado with the girls from small group! We went to Salado and had a great time together. I absolutely love getting to know the girls in our group better, they are such a blessing in my life already! As the day went on, I saw more, more, and more reminders of my mama. It was everything from food she used to sell, to the sparkly hats she wore after she had her chemotherapy when she lost her hair. The afternoon ended with me telling the girls my mama's story on the way home. My mom's story is a testimony of our God, so I try to tell it whenever I am given the opportunity. For some reason telling her story today just made me want to curl up in a ball and cry, so when I got home, I let it all out and did feel slightly better.

Tonight I went to an event at church for the ending of our marriage class we've been going to. It was supposed to be a romantic dinner for all the couples. Trevor is gone on training so Lauren and I were the only ones who were husband-less. So thankful for that girl, we got to go as eachother's date :) It was definately still hard not having Trevor there, which I know she'd say the same about her hubby, but very thankful for our new friendship!

As I was leaving the dinner, I got an emergency text from Chels asking me to call her. When I got that message, I knew it was an emergency and we both have an unspoken agreement that we drop what we're doing and call, so I did. She told me that Ashley Henley passed away. It took a few minutes for those words to sink in because I think I was in shock. When they finally did, I bent over in the parking lot and started wailing. We sat on the phone bawling together for 10-15 minutes... Ashley Henley was a sweet friend from high school. I was a cheerleader with her and her twin sister, Amber for 3 years and we had some great memories. Ashley had been battling cancer for a couple of years now and tonight Jesus called her home.

Tonight, as I'm typing, I feel brokenness, heartache, numb, and frustration. I have been grieving the loss of my mama on this earth for almost two years now but I can still remember the day that Jesus called her home as if it was yesterday. Remembering that day, those weeks, those months, and the last 2 years makes my heart break for her family. Tonight I felt as if I was reliving that loss, frustration, and brokenness all over again.

Since Trevor is gone on training right now, everything feels magnified in a crazy way because I am alone at home. I fully believe that God KNEW the number of Ashley's days here on this earth, just like he knew my mom's. He knew the day that her family would begin grieving would be today. I have realized that I think God was even trying to prepare me for this throughout the day. He laid heaviness on my heart this morning and slowly brought back memories for me to grieve my mama...Is that what he was doing, trying to prepare me for the news tonight? Since he knew the plans for this day long ago, he also knew that Trevor would be gone today, so even though all I wanted was a hug from my wonderful husband and to be held as I cried, God knew that he would not be here.

Trevor so desperately wants to be here when I am hurting but I think we both know that this is God's way of reminding me of who He is. Trevor provides for me in SO many ways... physically, spiritually, emotionally, financially....but he can only do those things because of our relationship and reliance on God! God is the center of our marriage and I think His timing of this "Day 10" is a good reminder of who the God of all Comfort is and that I need to continue to turn to him FIRST and then to my loving husband who He has blessed me with.

Please commit to praying for Ashley Henley's family with me. The brokenness and pain that they are feeling right now is unexplainable. Please pray for peace in their hearts and most of all that God would be made known to others through Ashley's life and story...just like He has been made known through my mom.