Transitions

I have wanted to cry all day long...one day after I graduated with my Masters degree and three weeks until my wedding (the most important day of my life!) You would think this would be the absolute happiest time of any girls life...which it IS, but why have I wanted to cry all day??

Transitions.

Transitions have been so difficult since my mom died. Transitions of moving, graduating, and even now with getting married. I was sitting in line at graduation last night waiting to walk across the stage for the last time EVER and all I could do was think about my mama. I all of a sudden realized that completing my masters degree was the first thing I have done from start to finish since losing my mom. It almost took my breath away thinking about how my mom was not here for ANY of this season of my life, getting my masters. I had to fight back the tears as I walked the stage, and instead I proudly smiled and shook the president of the university's hand and smiled as I waved at my family/friends who were there to support me.

My mom was my rock. Obviously most of you know that GOD is truly my rock, but my mama was the person here on earth who kept me sane and provided me stability. She was the person I went to for everything. All night last night, I continued to snap at Trevor for little things, even though he was being completely wonderful and supportive. I was upset deep down and he was the person I could be the most real with, therefore he was getting the brunt of what I was really feeling inside...HURT (because I felt as if my "rock" had been taken away.) I am SO blessed to have so many friends that care about me deeply who all came last night and I am so very grateful for them! Then God revealed something to me last night when I was laying in bed that I am so thankful for....He showed me that even though my mama wasn't there to be my rock...my rock was still there: First in God and secondly in Trevor. God has brought Trevor into my life to show me how to love someone unconditionally, to serve someone, and provide stability in my life: My ROCK here on earth. This probably sounds strange to some, but I think it probably makes sense to those who have lost those who provided grounding and stability in their lives.

As our wedding quickly approaches, I get more and more EXCITED about the idea of marrying the love of my life and us starting a family together. At the same time, I am constantly reminded that the "mother of the bride" will not be attending our wedding and it is something I have not been able to face yet. People are constantly making comments (which are normal for bride-to-be's) like: "Oh you should borrow something from your mom for your wedding!" "Is the mother of the bride getting excited about the wedding??" or even "I bet your mom's going to cry when she see's you!" These very normal comments just about send me crying myself to sleep at night, but I continue to fight them back. I have not been able to freely grieve the absence of my mom at our wedding yet, and I pray I am able to soon.

I'm gonna end this blog with these lyrics by Carrie Underwood that make me think of my mom and Trevor. If my mama was here, this is what I would be telling her about the love of my life!

"A Song for Mama"

Mama, you taught me to do the right things
So now you have to let your baby fly
You've given me everything that I will need
To make it through this crazy thing called life

And I know you watched me grow up
And only want what's best for me
And I think I found the answer to your prayers

And he is good, so good
He treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me

Mama there's no way you'll ever lose me
Giving me away is not goodbye
As you watch me walk down to my future
I hope tears of joy are in your eyes

'Cause he is good, so good
And he treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me

And when I watch my baby grow up
I'll only want what's best for her
And I hope she'll find the answer to my prayers
And that she'll say

He is good, so good
And he treats your little girl like a real man should
He is good, so good

He makes promises he keeps
No he's never gonna leave
So don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me

Mama don't you worry about me
Don't you worry about me

Please pray with me during this time of transition that I can grieve where I need to grieve so I can celebrate and rejoice in all the blessings that God has put in my life! I can't wait to walk down the aisle and give my vows to Trevor in 20 days!!