My heart is broken...but Jesus still reigns!

My heart has been heavy all day... Somedays I wake up as 100% normal Allison and then there are those days that I just feel "off" or like my heart is hurting, today was one of those "off" days that most of my friends know I refer to as "Day 10's." We started calling them that a few months after my mom died when I was in the period where some days (about every 10 days it seemed like) I would just burst out into tears. So today started off as a Day 10.

I was excited about the day ahead so I tried to push those feelings away because I was going to church and then to Salado with the girls from small group! We went to Salado and had a great time together. I absolutely love getting to know the girls in our group better, they are such a blessing in my life already! As the day went on, I saw more, more, and more reminders of my mama. It was everything from food she used to sell, to the sparkly hats she wore after she had her chemotherapy when she lost her hair. The afternoon ended with me telling the girls my mama's story on the way home. My mom's story is a testimony of our God, so I try to tell it whenever I am given the opportunity. For some reason telling her story today just made me want to curl up in a ball and cry, so when I got home, I let it all out and did feel slightly better.

Tonight I went to an event at church for the ending of our marriage class we've been going to. It was supposed to be a romantic dinner for all the couples. Trevor is gone on training so Lauren and I were the only ones who were husband-less. So thankful for that girl, we got to go as eachother's date :) It was definately still hard not having Trevor there, which I know she'd say the same about her hubby, but very thankful for our new friendship!

As I was leaving the dinner, I got an emergency text from Chels asking me to call her. When I got that message, I knew it was an emergency and we both have an unspoken agreement that we drop what we're doing and call, so I did. She told me that Ashley Henley passed away. It took a few minutes for those words to sink in because I think I was in shock. When they finally did, I bent over in the parking lot and started wailing. We sat on the phone bawling together for 10-15 minutes... Ashley Henley was a sweet friend from high school. I was a cheerleader with her and her twin sister, Amber for 3 years and we had some great memories. Ashley had been battling cancer for a couple of years now and tonight Jesus called her home.

Tonight, as I'm typing, I feel brokenness, heartache, numb, and frustration. I have been grieving the loss of my mama on this earth for almost two years now but I can still remember the day that Jesus called her home as if it was yesterday. Remembering that day, those weeks, those months, and the last 2 years makes my heart break for her family. Tonight I felt as if I was reliving that loss, frustration, and brokenness all over again.

Since Trevor is gone on training right now, everything feels magnified in a crazy way because I am alone at home. I fully believe that God KNEW the number of Ashley's days here on this earth, just like he knew my mom's. He knew the day that her family would begin grieving would be today. I have realized that I think God was even trying to prepare me for this throughout the day. He laid heaviness on my heart this morning and slowly brought back memories for me to grieve my mama...Is that what he was doing, trying to prepare me for the news tonight? Since he knew the plans for this day long ago, he also knew that Trevor would be gone today, so even though all I wanted was a hug from my wonderful husband and to be held as I cried, God knew that he would not be here.

Trevor so desperately wants to be here when I am hurting but I think we both know that this is God's way of reminding me of who He is. Trevor provides for me in SO many ways... physically, spiritually, emotionally, financially....but he can only do those things because of our relationship and reliance on God! God is the center of our marriage and I think His timing of this "Day 10" is a good reminder of who the God of all Comfort is and that I need to continue to turn to him FIRST and then to my loving husband who He has blessed me with.

Please commit to praying for Ashley Henley's family with me. The brokenness and pain that they are feeling right now is unexplainable. Please pray for peace in their hearts and most of all that God would be made known to others through Ashley's life and story...just like He has been made known through my mom.

I want to be an advocate!

ad·vo·cate (dv-kt)

tr.v. ad·vo·cat·ed, ad·vo·cat·ing, ad·vo·cates

To speak, plead, or argue in favor of. See Synonyms at support.

n. (-kt, -kt)

1. One that argues for a cause; a supporter or defender: an advocate of civil rights.

2. One that pleads in another's behalf; an intercessor: advocates for abused children and spouses

God calls us to certain things and gives us gifts. These gifts can be anything. He gives us these gifts so that we can use them to further His kingdom and glorify His name. He gives us these gifts and equips us to be used in ways that we can bless others. So what are your gifts? What do you feel like God has called you to do in your city or this season of your life?

For me, I have been searching for a word that could define what I feel like God has gifted me in. The other day I was laying in bed talking to my husband about our purpose and mission here at Fort Hood. Even though we weren't thrilled when we found out this is where we would be for a while, we can now see a huge purpose for being here. God has called all believers to share the gospel with the lost and I cannot think of another population who could benefit from the hope of Jesus, more than the military. Within the military culture, our husbands have crazy schedules, are gone all the time, and we have to hold down the home front a lot of the time. Almost every military wife I meet is stressed, exhausted, lonely, and tired... It makes me reflect on how believing in God provides an everlasting Hope...a hope that can come from nowhere else, not even solely from our husbands. What I have also realized is that I do NOT have this whole military wife thing down... at all! I just feel that God has gifted me with the ability to organize people and help provide community, and I know that when that happens, I will learn a TON from these wives from their own experiences that I don't have yet as a wife. It's truly amazing to think about.

A different night, Trevor and I were laying in bed and talking about being on mission...either in America or another country. We went from talking about Fort Hood, adopting, and all the way to orphans in Africa! It was a long convo to say the least :) As the conversation progressed we got more and more excitable and anxious about what to do, but towards the end, we agreed that God can call us to SO many different missions throughout our married lives... As Trevor said "Babe, we have decades!" lol. Right now He has us here at Fort Hood, in 3 years, could it be overseas? Definately! God is way bigger than anything we can plan and we are excited about the rollercoaster of life ahead!

So back to the title of this blog. Advocate. I feel like God has called me to be an advocate throughout my life. According to the dictionary, an advocate is:

ad·vo·cate (dv-kt)

tr.v. ad·vo·cat·ed, ad·vo·cat·ing, ad·vo·cates

To speak, plead, or argue in favor of. See Synonyms at support.

n. (-kt, -kt)

1. One that argues for a cause; a supporter or defender: an advocate of civil rights.

2. One that pleads in another's behalf; an intercessor: advocates for abused children and spouses.

I want to be an advocate. An advocate for the kingdom of God, an advocate for marriage, an advocate for women with cancer, an advocate for military families, an advocate for children, an advocate for missions, an advocate for orphans, an advocate for adoption. In my opinion, an advocate is someone who can support others, encourage others, and speak for those who are unable! God teaches me something new everyday, I think understanding His calling to be an advocate for others gives me a more clear picture of the mission I am on here and now!

Encouraged

I have recently been very encouraged by strangers...people I have never met who are willing to send me a note on Facebook, tell me their stories, and even share encouraging words. It absolutely amazes me. Most of you know that I lost my mama to breast cancer in January of 2009. Some of you know that Trevor and I honored her and made her presence known at our wedding this month by leaving an empty chair for the "Mother of the Bride." We also had each person who came down the aisle put a yellow long stem rose on her chair during the ceremony, ending with Trevor and I doing the same. I truly felt like my mama was a part of the most important day of our lives and her life and testimony was honored. What I didn't realize is how many people were watching and were also touched by her presence being there in such a sweet and subtle way.

Right after the wedding when pics began getting posted during our honeymoon, I had a few people specifically comment on the picture of my mama's chair from our ceremony. I even had a teacher of mine from high school add the picture to their own Facebook. As I got our professional photos back, I immediately starting making albums on Facebook because I knew people were anxiously waiting to see them! Within one day, I received two messages from complete strangers about our wedding. The interesting thing was that both of these individuals were not just talking about our wedding in general, but specifically about honoring my mom and her chair there. I received these two messages from people I have never seen, never spoken to, and never even Facebook stalked (lol!)....

"Hi Allison -
I am Tim Williams cousin - I was looking at yur wedding photos from Lauren's post - all the pics are lovely but i borrowed the one of the roses for your mum and posted it on my wall. It is by far the most beautiful picture I have ever seen.
My mom passed away last year and I am getting married (2nd time) next year so she will miss it. Your picture was so very lovely!!!
I hope you don't mind
Lesle"

"Hi,

I know you don't know me but I am friends with a girl that was in your wedding (Amanda) so I was able to glance at some of your wedding photos.

I just wanted to say that I have also lost my mother at a young age and never in a million years would I have thought that on my wedding day she wouldn't physically be there. I saw the pictures of your mother's "presence" and it just touched my heart. What a sweet way to incorporate her into your wedding!

Congrats to you ....and thanks for the simple touch to my heart!
Meagan"

I was so encouraged after reading these two notes... not because there are people that loved our wedding ideas, but because this is my mama's legacy living on. She was constantly serving and encouraging people and to know that her presence at our wedding is continuing to do so, brings so much JOY to my heart. I am so thankful to Jesus. I am thankful for the time He gave my mom and I together, for the time He will give us in eternity some day, and for the people He has sent my way with such sweet encouraging words about letting a legacy live on! :)

Be still and know that I am God

"Be still..."

For anyone who knows me, being "still" is not me. I don't think it's the word that pops into anyone's head when they think of me...just saying! This part of the verse is so difficult for me, especially lately. Right now I am sitting in a completely empty and silent house. I just put brownies in the oven for Trevor, who just took Sophie to get some ice cream for our dessert and our house is completely silent. completely still.

This is a perfect example of what my life has become since marrying my soul mate and moving with him to Harker Heights. I am so used to being actively involved in a church, small group, and constantly going out to dinner, coffee, etc with friends. I also realized that over the past 5 years I have not had more than a couple weeks off between school, work, and being a caregiver for my mama. Now that I am in Harker Heights, I don't have a job and I have one friend (I joke about this, but it's kinda true :P) so things have drastically slowed down. During the day I have been looking for jobs and preparing our new home (decorating, cleaning, organizing, etc). It usually keeps me busy until around 1-2pm every day when I begin to go absolutely stir crazy, which is usually when I make my daily run to Target and use our gift card for something "home" related!

"And know that I am God."

The truth is that I have been struggling with discovering my purpose and place here (yes, I know it's only been a week!) I thought when I moved here I was going to be "The newlywed social worker who works with military families." Then God said..."WRONG!" As of now I cannot find a job as a social worker anywhere, whether working with military families or not. The part that I was right about is that part of my identity is of course as a wife and newlywed and I am so thankful for that. I have also been struggling with the feelings of inadequacy and failure since I have not been able to find a job.

What God has shown me...

I thought that I was having a hard time living out the being still part of this verse but I have realized that I have not been trusting in the One who I know is God. Of course I know the truth that He is God...but I have not been living as if I know that truth. Like I said in my last blog, who am I to think I am entitled to a job?? I have to continually tell myself that there is an absolute reason why I don't have a job and that God does have the PERFECT job lined up for me. An even harder thought to consider is that what I am doing right now is in fact exactly what He has for me right NOW. I am not just waiting for Him to give me a job but He has already given me the job He wants for me in this season, which is to "Be Still...," keep my eyes on Him, and to continue to prepare our home and serve my new husband in every way possible. Instead of waking up every morning and going straight to my computer to look for jobs and getting discouraged by 10am, I need to wake up and make my priority spending time with God before I do anything. Even more than just finding rest in this season, this is a time for me to spend time with the Lord and learn to how to love Him even more deeply as a married woman. Trevor will also be leaving for Air Force training on September 30th for a month and I'm pretty confident that the Lord is giving us this sweet time together by allowing me to stay home and be available around his work schedule for our first month of marriage!

So here's the whole verse: "Be still and know that I am God" and this is the verse that I am going to continue reciting to myself and thanking God for this still season in my life to grow closer to Him and share with my husband in our new home.

Undeserved vs Grace

I'm sitting in our new home in Harker Heights Texas wrestling with the thought of not deserving our home. Last night Trevor and I were at Papa Murphy's picking up a pizza to take home and bake, when I got very emotional.... I started to tear up out of nowhere. I tried to quickly pull myself together before he noticed, but being the amazing husband he is, he noticed and asked. I had spent the day looking for jobs and unpacking.... let's just say the unpacking went MUCH better than the job search. By the time Trevor got home from work, I was feeling very discouraged about jobs... I called the one job I had been hoping for (the VA) and was told that I may not receive a call for at least 30-45 days and the my other possibility of substitute teaching was no longer an option because they are on a hiring freeze until October. I found myself getting frustrated and realized that I feel "entitled" to receiving a good job or like I "deserve" one because of graduating with my degree. I know there are a lot of people in my same position who have been searching for jobs for a long time...I guess I just didn't think I would be one of them.

So why is it that I feel like I deserve a JOB but feel that I absolutely don't serve our HOME?!?!!? This is what I've been wrestling with....

Audrey has been telling me for the last 3 years that God just has extreme favor in my life and it's true, situations that you would never see working out, do. God has brought me through one of the greatest losses possible and I have been able to see santification and purpose come of it...so why can't I see this as His favor on my life now? Why can't I see this as a blessing?

I think one of the main reasons I feel like we don't deserve our home is because I have not had my own "home" in a long time... I have been blessed to live with 2 amazing families over the past 2 years, and I also lived with one of my best friends Amanda in an apartment for one year. Prior to my mom passing away we were living in apartments and temporary situations after we had to give up our home due to her medical bills/condition. I think now that God has given my husband and I our own home in a nice, safe neighborhood, I feel as if I don't deserve it. I loved living with both families in whispering hollow and it was some of my BEST memories and loved being a part of their families, but I still couldn't say it was MY home... now that Trevor and I have been given our home, it feels to good to be true. Another reason I feel like I don't deserve our home is because it is a 3 bedroom/2 bath home and it's only the 2 of us....we don't have any children or other people living with us. I know so many people who do have children who really could benefit way more from having this space, some of which who NEED that space, that we don't in fact need. It's almost as if I feel like us having this home means that another family who may need it, won't have it. I know that makes no sense and people are probably laughing while reading this....

I'm gonna end this blog by saying that I have realized there's a difference between not deserving something and grace/favor/blessings from the Lord. Trevor and I were talking and kept telling me that I needed to be okay with God blessing us with our home and to try to see it as that: a blessing! We talked about how if we just lived in this house as the two of us and didn't USE it for something than it would be a waste. We talked about how we both love hosting things and would like to make our home into a place where people gather at. We would like to host small groups in the future, have people over for dinner, and even have Trevor's squadrons poker nights at our house. We have some friends who would love to go play poker with friends, but because of the atmosphere, they don't feel comfortable bringing their kids. We want our home to be a family friendly place where people can come and have fun! I have to be honest....I am still struggling with the idea of not deserving our home but I am thankful that I have a husband who can speak truth to me and help me see God's blessing in our life and even His intention or purpose for that blessing!

Our Honeymoon: Falling in love with Dominican Republic!

It's official...Trevor and I are MARRIED and HOME from our honeymoon! It's definately still sinking in that we are married and that I now call Harker Heights, "home."

Trevor and I got to spend a week in Punta Cana in the Dominican Republic last week for our honeymoon. We had an AMAZING week and loved every second of it! We spent a lot of time just relaxing at our resort, Majestic Colonial. We also went on a couple excursions...one day we went snorkeling in the Caribbean Sea and another we went on a Safari. Trevor and I both agreed that the Safari was our favorite part of the entire trip, by far! We got to spend the entire day touring around the countryside of the DR experiencing their culture and getting to know their people. It was incredible! Trevor and I fell in love with the Dominican that day...

That day as we were on the Safari passing by the schools, I felt God speaking to me about serving in some capacity in the DR. I brought it up to Trevor as soon as we stopped at our next place and he agreed that he was feeling the same pull towards the people there and possibly serving in the future. All that kept going through my mind was John's voice (officiating our wedding) and challenging us to find something in our marriage to immediately start serving in...Could it really be that God was calling us to something on our honeymoon??

We continued to have conversations about our hearts for these people the rest of the week but were unsure of what it would look like because we hadn't received any information on donating to the schools, orphanages, etc.

We also really enjoyed just being around the locals there who worked at our resort. Trevor and I found it difficult to just sit back at our all-inclusive resort and be "served" by these people... we were constantly wondering and talking about what their lives were like and what their stories were. On our last night at the resort we went to a Japanese restaurant and had a habachi style meal, where everyone eats family style at one large table surrounding the grill. It was fun to see others also on their honeymoons or vacationing, but it was eye-opening to see how everyone interacted. For the most part it was all Americans at the table along with a couple who appeared to be European. The most interesting part was watching the Americans act as if they were "entitled" to the service they were getting/not getting. I watched as people demanded things rudely from the waiters and even laughed at some of them when they attempted to communicate with their broken english. I was immediately disgusted. I realized then that the American culture breeds selfish and entitled people who hold themselves as higher then people of different cultures. Enough on that tangent... that night just further revealed the culture of the DR and Trevor and I fell more and more in love with it :)

We had a blast the rest of our trip and spent a ton of time just relaxing together and enjoying each other as a married couple! It was perfect! As we headed home on Sunday, we were excited to be going home and start our new life, but also sad to leave such a beautiful country... we were in line at the airport for security and a man in front of us began talking to us. It started off as small talk "Where are you from? Why are you traveling" etc, and he ended up telling us that he was in the DR for work. When we asked what he did, he told us that he runs an organization that serves the Dominican children through a school and orphanage that he built. All I could think was... "What? Are you serious? God...did you just tell him to say this??" To say the least we were shocked. We had been thinking/praying all week about how we could serve the people of this country because we felt like God was calling us to do something, but we hadn't heard clearly what that was supposed to look like. All of a sudden it was very clear that He had put this man in our path to tie the loose ends of what He was calling us to.

We are now home from our honeymoon and are going to continue praying for the Dominican people and for God to give us a clear calling on how we should serve them in our marriage in the future.

Thank you God for an amazing wedding, honeymoon, and beginning of our marriage :)

Blessed to be a blessing

Audrey completely inspired the title of this blog post "Blessed to be a blessing," and it's something that has been on my heart a lot recently. I feel like God has blessed me with an abundance of resources to bless others...whether that is through my time in this season of my life, through encouraging words, or even just through friendships.

Trevor and I were talking about this the other day after a sermon about stewardship. Not only did we talk about giving to the church corporately, but also setting aside resources each month so that we can bless people. It was a really encouraging conversation to have as a soon-to-be married couple! I love the way that God has begun to shape our minds in order to focus on being servants in our marriage to one another as well as others.

Tonight when I was spending some time with God, our conversation about being able to bless others came to my mind... I feel like this season in my life could very easily be a selfish, "all about me and my wedding" phase, but instead, I would like to make a commitment to making it about others...others besides Trevor and I.

I have had SO many people serve me and love on me unconditionally over the past 2 years and I have struggled with the thought of whether I could ever reciprocate that level of servanthood to those individuals. I have wrestled with this for the past year with constantly feeling like I "owe" some of my closest friends and family something. I have come to the answer... I DON'T owe my friends anything... they are amazing believers that wanted to serve me and my family during a season of my life and were a huge BLESSING to me. Most of them would probably be offended to hear that I would possibly feel like I "owed" them something, but that is the human response... when someone gives you something, you give it back....when someone does you a favor, you also do them one....this is just how our society works. In the kingdom of God, I believe it works differently. When I choose by my own will to serve/bless someone, I expect nothing in return and I just have to accept that it's the same way when someone chooses to bless me or my family.

This is what I have realized...I have been living in guilt that I could never return the blessings that my friends have shown me over the past 2 years and instead I need to be thankful for those people and know that God will create an opportunity for me to bless them and others during different seasons of their lives as well. I have a dear friend (like a sister) who has told me that one of the biggest blessings in her life was that she was able to provide stability to me in my time of need. When she was a child, she didn't have that stability and security and could never imagine being the source of that to someone else. Over the years, she was blessed by tons of people within her church community and shared with me that she was finally able to bless me in the same way that all of those other people blessed her. We have now become family through that blessing that God orchestrated. Thinking about her story makes me realize that I have been SO blessed by different friends/family and that God will provide opportunities for me to be that blessing to others throughout my life on His timing as well.

God has also shown me that even though I have not been able to serve people in the same way that people served me, He has created ways for me to bless people in my life recently. While I think of blessings such as people allowing me to live in their home (Church's, Hightower's) as BIG blessings and sources of serving, God is starting to reveal to me how I have been able to bless others through relationships and encouragement. I feel like God has given me the gift of listening and encouraging people in their time of discouragement and even though sometimes it's hard to see that as a BIG blessing, I know it is because it is a gift that He gave me to use.

Food for Thought... How can you being a blessing to others in your life right now? Whether it's through relationships or the resources that He has provided you with?